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aimlessplayer) wrote2019-11-14 10:37 am
aimlessplayer) wrote2019-11-14 10:37 am
Entry tags:
i woke up to a heart attack
Summary: Shinsou Hitoshi spends his first night at Aizawa's house.
Shinsou Hitoshi is also prone to panic attacks when sleeping somewhere new.
Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Neglect, C-PTSD, Past Suicide Attempt, Parental Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Adoption, Platonic Cuddling
Notes: None of the abusive actions listed above are done by Aizawa. Second Chance verse. Shinsou's previous suicide attempt is referenced.
Shinsou was dozing in and out all day as Aizawa and Present Mic moved boxes and cases of his belongings into the house, but of course the second it comes to actually going to bed for the night he feels himself start trembling and his heart speed up. Like clockwork.
He tries to just ignore it, bundling up under the blankets on the couch and focusing on his favorite movie playing on the TV. It helps--just a little--that he’s not completely alone, Aizawa is sitting nearby working on his laptop, though Shinsou definitely doesn’t want to bother him with this, especially after the long day he’s already had.
It works, he eventually dozes off--and then immediately jolts back awake. His stomach churns as he observes his environment.
The walls are looming, threatening to come crashing down on him at any second. Aizawa bought this house for him. His place was too small for two people, so he moved into this one just so he could adopt Shinsou. Because he felt bad for the poor kid who couldn’t even kill himself properly. He spent all this time and energy and money on Shinsou and he’s going to end up hating him like everyone else and he’s going to fail his class and Aizawa is going to hurthimandkickhimoutandhe’lldieohgod--
His trembling quickly turns into outright quaking as thoughts race through his head. He jerks upright, throwing the blankets off himself. He tries not to make a big deal out of it, but Aizawa had already looked his way when he jolted awake.
“You alright?” he asks.
”No.”
He gulps in air like he’s suffocating. His head is light and everything is dark and blurry.
He’s vaguely aware of Aizawa setting his things aside and approaching him. Shinsou doesn’t really know what to expect when Aizawa crouches down in front of him. His eyes snap up to his face when he reaches out and puts a hand on his shoulder.
“Hey, it’s okay. You’re safe,” he states, like it’s just a fact, and not even in the condescending way Shinsou is used to hearing. Shinsou desperately hangs onto every syllable.
Aizawa gives his shoulder a light squeeze. “I’m here.”
Shinsou has no idea what he’s thinking as he does it--he’s just terrified and, unable to run away from his fear, he wants to barrel towards the safest thing there is. So Shinsou lurches forward and wraps his arms around Aizawa, burying his face into his shoulder.
After a moment, Aizawa wraps his arms around Shinsou as well.
“Take a deep breath, alright? Breathe with me.”
Aizawa demonstrates, taking a slow deep breath himself, and then exhaling. Shinsou follows along.
In, and out…
In, and out…
“That’s it,” Aizawa praises, before standing up, though still leaning down towards him. Shinsou makes a little panicked noise of complaint as his arms slip away from Aizawa’s back. He clings onto the front of his shirt as Aizawa steps to the side and settles onto the couch beside him. Shinsou shifts closer and presses himself up against him once more.
Aizawa welcomes it, wrapping an arm around his back and putting a hand on his head, gently pulling him against his chest. Aizawa keeps breathing for him, and Shinsou keeps breathing with him.
As he trembles against Aizawa’s body and he rubs soothing circles on his back, Shinsou thinks about how he’s always daydreamed of this. He’s always wanted someone to hold and comfort him when he was scared. He knows that's selfish, though. He doesn’t blame his previous parents for rolling their eyes and ignoring him when he would get anxious. He knows someday Aizawa will do the same, so he tries to savor the feeling despite the way his mind is racing and making the seconds tick by rapidly.
Slowly, he stops shaking and his heart rate returns to normal, though his stomach is still a little upset. Aizawa seems to notice the moment has passed, because his breathing eases back to something natural. He doesn’t try to move or say anything, just keeps stoking Shinsou’s back with his thumb.
“I’m sorry,” Shinsou mumbles into his shirt. His heartbeat picks up again.
“What for?”
“For f-freaking out…” He starts shaking. “I know you have work to do.”
“Don’t worry about that, I have a whole week to get it done.” Aizawa gently jostles his shoulder. Shinsou’s sure he needs to turn it in a little sooner than that, he’s referring to the week he took off to keep an eye on Shinsou while he recovers, but he knows Aizawa's just trying to comfort him so he doesn’t press it. He’d just be annoying him if he did. “You have nothing to apologize for. I already knew you had trouble sleeping in new places, anyway.”
Right, Shinsou had brought this up concerning the summer camp right before-… he gave up entirely. Nausea surges through him as he recalls the reasons why he gave up in the first place. Every one of them is still true, even if Aizawa doesn’t see it yet.
Shinsou trembles a little harder and Aizawa goes back to taking deep breaths and stroking his back with his whole hand.
“Just try to relax,” Aizawa urges softly.
Shinsou tries to push the thoughts out of his mind--he doesn’t want Aizawa to think he’s too needy. He’s only officially been his dad one day and Shinsou has already caused him so much trouble, long before this or even everything at the hospital. He keeps breathing with him, listening to his calm, steady heartbeat and his favorite movie playing in the background, and tries to recall how certain Aizawa sounded when he told him he was safe.
Shinsou wakes too warm, his mouth dry and neck stiff. He’s still leaning up against Aizawa, who still has an arm wrapped around his waist. It feels impossibly heavy. Shinsou can hear his soft breathing, indicating that he fell asleep as well. Shinsou has no idea what time it is, but a glance towards the windows tells him it’s still nighttime.
His surroundings no longer feel like looming, crumbling walls made of knives. It feels warm, bright, safe... Like home.
He peels himself away from Aizawa, who wakes as Shinsou twists and lays his head back down on his pillow. He stretches his legs out over Aizawa's lap, but doesn't rest them fully in case he'd rather get up. But he just shifts, leaning back against the couch and resting a hand on Shinsou's knee, his eyes slipping shut once more.
Shinsou lets his legs relax and turns his head back towards the TV, watching his favorite movie go by as sleep tugs at him again.
Maybe things will be okay.
Shinsou Hitoshi is also prone to panic attacks when sleeping somewhere new.
Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Neglect, C-PTSD, Past Suicide Attempt, Parental Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Adoption, Platonic Cuddling
Notes: None of the abusive actions listed above are done by Aizawa. Second Chance verse. Shinsou's previous suicide attempt is referenced.
Shinsou was dozing in and out all day as Aizawa and Present Mic moved boxes and cases of his belongings into the house, but of course the second it comes to actually going to bed for the night he feels himself start trembling and his heart speed up. Like clockwork.
He tries to just ignore it, bundling up under the blankets on the couch and focusing on his favorite movie playing on the TV. It helps--just a little--that he’s not completely alone, Aizawa is sitting nearby working on his laptop, though Shinsou definitely doesn’t want to bother him with this, especially after the long day he’s already had.
It works, he eventually dozes off--and then immediately jolts back awake. His stomach churns as he observes his environment.
The walls are looming, threatening to come crashing down on him at any second. Aizawa bought this house for him. His place was too small for two people, so he moved into this one just so he could adopt Shinsou. Because he felt bad for the poor kid who couldn’t even kill himself properly. He spent all this time and energy and money on Shinsou and he’s going to end up hating him like everyone else and he’s going to fail his class and Aizawa is going to hurthimandkickhimoutandhe’lldieohgod--
His trembling quickly turns into outright quaking as thoughts race through his head. He jerks upright, throwing the blankets off himself. He tries not to make a big deal out of it, but Aizawa had already looked his way when he jolted awake.
“You alright?” he asks.
”No.”
He gulps in air like he’s suffocating. His head is light and everything is dark and blurry.
He’s vaguely aware of Aizawa setting his things aside and approaching him. Shinsou doesn’t really know what to expect when Aizawa crouches down in front of him. His eyes snap up to his face when he reaches out and puts a hand on his shoulder.
“Hey, it’s okay. You’re safe,” he states, like it’s just a fact, and not even in the condescending way Shinsou is used to hearing. Shinsou desperately hangs onto every syllable.
Aizawa gives his shoulder a light squeeze. “I’m here.”
Shinsou has no idea what he’s thinking as he does it--he’s just terrified and, unable to run away from his fear, he wants to barrel towards the safest thing there is. So Shinsou lurches forward and wraps his arms around Aizawa, burying his face into his shoulder.
After a moment, Aizawa wraps his arms around Shinsou as well.
“Take a deep breath, alright? Breathe with me.”
Aizawa demonstrates, taking a slow deep breath himself, and then exhaling. Shinsou follows along.
In, and out…
In, and out…
“That’s it,” Aizawa praises, before standing up, though still leaning down towards him. Shinsou makes a little panicked noise of complaint as his arms slip away from Aizawa’s back. He clings onto the front of his shirt as Aizawa steps to the side and settles onto the couch beside him. Shinsou shifts closer and presses himself up against him once more.
Aizawa welcomes it, wrapping an arm around his back and putting a hand on his head, gently pulling him against his chest. Aizawa keeps breathing for him, and Shinsou keeps breathing with him.
As he trembles against Aizawa’s body and he rubs soothing circles on his back, Shinsou thinks about how he’s always daydreamed of this. He’s always wanted someone to hold and comfort him when he was scared. He knows that's selfish, though. He doesn’t blame his previous parents for rolling their eyes and ignoring him when he would get anxious. He knows someday Aizawa will do the same, so he tries to savor the feeling despite the way his mind is racing and making the seconds tick by rapidly.
Slowly, he stops shaking and his heart rate returns to normal, though his stomach is still a little upset. Aizawa seems to notice the moment has passed, because his breathing eases back to something natural. He doesn’t try to move or say anything, just keeps stoking Shinsou’s back with his thumb.
“I’m sorry,” Shinsou mumbles into his shirt. His heartbeat picks up again.
“What for?”
“For f-freaking out…” He starts shaking. “I know you have work to do.”
“Don’t worry about that, I have a whole week to get it done.” Aizawa gently jostles his shoulder. Shinsou’s sure he needs to turn it in a little sooner than that, he’s referring to the week he took off to keep an eye on Shinsou while he recovers, but he knows Aizawa's just trying to comfort him so he doesn’t press it. He’d just be annoying him if he did. “You have nothing to apologize for. I already knew you had trouble sleeping in new places, anyway.”
Right, Shinsou had brought this up concerning the summer camp right before-… he gave up entirely. Nausea surges through him as he recalls the reasons why he gave up in the first place. Every one of them is still true, even if Aizawa doesn’t see it yet.
Shinsou trembles a little harder and Aizawa goes back to taking deep breaths and stroking his back with his whole hand.
“Just try to relax,” Aizawa urges softly.
Shinsou tries to push the thoughts out of his mind--he doesn’t want Aizawa to think he’s too needy. He’s only officially been his dad one day and Shinsou has already caused him so much trouble, long before this or even everything at the hospital. He keeps breathing with him, listening to his calm, steady heartbeat and his favorite movie playing in the background, and tries to recall how certain Aizawa sounded when he told him he was safe.
Shinsou wakes too warm, his mouth dry and neck stiff. He’s still leaning up against Aizawa, who still has an arm wrapped around his waist. It feels impossibly heavy. Shinsou can hear his soft breathing, indicating that he fell asleep as well. Shinsou has no idea what time it is, but a glance towards the windows tells him it’s still nighttime.
His surroundings no longer feel like looming, crumbling walls made of knives. It feels warm, bright, safe... Like home.
He peels himself away from Aizawa, who wakes as Shinsou twists and lays his head back down on his pillow. He stretches his legs out over Aizawa's lap, but doesn't rest them fully in case he'd rather get up. But he just shifts, leaning back against the couch and resting a hand on Shinsou's knee, his eyes slipping shut once more.
Shinsou lets his legs relax and turns his head back towards the TV, watching his favorite movie go by as sleep tugs at him again.
Maybe things will be okay.